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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.